Embodiment, The Self, & Schizophrenia
At its core, Schizophrenia involves a distortion of the sense of Self from what is considered “Normal” or most common. Schizophrenic people experience a break between our sense Us and Not Us, of the Preconscious and the Conscious. We do not carry a cohesive narrative of the Self the same way that others do, experiencing intrusions in the form of Delusions. The lack of differentiation between the Inner & Outer Self might also be responsible for symptoms like Thought Projection, the belief that others can read your thoughts. We do not experience the Embodied Self the same way non-Psychotics do, not connecting to our own bodies or others’ the same ways seen in Non-Psychotics. This leads to Symptoms such as Depersonalization, many of our Social Differences, and some Cognitive issues. (Szczotka & Majchrowicz, 2018; Tschacher et al, 2017)
But what does all that mean in real terms?
As a lifelong Schizophrenic, I have always felt that I experienced and navigated the world differently than other people. Understanding this as a difference in Embodiment is very useful and very sensical, and aligns very closely with many of my experiences. Having also experienced a severe Dissociative Disorder, I am no stranger Dissociation, but it is something I also experience from my Schizophrenia. There is not really ever a time I am not experiencing some level of Psychosis, as I Hallucinate constantly. This is usually paired with low-level Depersonalization. A big part of my treatment has been developing a sense of Interception & Proprioception, as I used to be so Depersonalized from my body that I would at times stop feeling it entirely. I still do not have the greatest body sense, and am very clumsy and accident-prone because I am unaware of where my limbs are or how heavy I am.
Sense of body goes beyond that though, and into sense of the Mind. I do not feel tethered to my body, but a part of my surroundings as well. I feel as though there is a “Front Mind” that resides in my Prefrontal Cortex and controls everything, and I can feel this Front Mind. The Front Mind expands. I feel a sense of connecting Self into the world around me, so that I feel as though I can feel the emotions of objects. This goes so far that I have often believed I can speak to plants & fungi and feel their thoughts/emotions. I can feel the air, not just it touching my body but like the air in the room around me. I can feel the light and the things it touches. It’s an incredible Hallucination and it can be so Overstimulating at times, but also wonderful. The Front Mind makes me feel connected & vibrant. This Front Mind experience has played a role in my spirituality, and I find this sense of openness very comforting. I find traditional Mindfulness to very Triggering, but I have been successful in adapting Mindfulness to my Schizophrenia and I have been able to use this sense of connectedness as an asset there.
If I have a Front Mind, what is the Back? The “Back Mind” is my Occipital Lobe & Brainstem, it contains the Dark & Frightening Psychosis, Loss of Control, and Amnesia. It is where Command Voices come from. There is a grey wall somewhere around my Parietal lobe that hold it all back. Sometimes I can feel it push forward, I feel pressure in my head when an episode tries to come on. The Back Mind has tentacles stretching out the nape of neck that pull Darkness into my Mind. while the Front Mind is control the vast majority of the time, I am always aware of the Back Mind to some extent. It is the Preconscious, the Forgotten, & the Primordial. It is where the demons I’m not ready to face bide their time.
Schizophrenia is so much more than hearing Voices. Schizophrenia affects every aspect of how we perceived, interact with, experience, and are received by the world. I do not view my Schizophrenia as a “Disorder” or “Illness” per se, because even though it is Disabling, it is so fundamental to my life and to my Neurology that I would not be who I am without it—literally, it dictates how I experience my sense of Self. I am Schizophrenic and I do not believe there is anything wrong with that.
References:
Szczotka, J., & Majchrowicz, B. (2018). Schizophrenia as a disorder of embodied self. Schizofrenia jako zaburzenie "ja" ucieleśnionego. Psychiatria polska, 52(2), 199–215. https://doi.org/10.12740/PP/67276
Tschacher, W., Giersch, A., & Friston, K. (2017). Embodiment and Schizophrenia: A Review of Implications and Applications. Schizophrenia bulletin, 43(4), 745–753. https://doi.org/10.1093/schbul/sbw220
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