Schizophrenia, Family Estrangement, And The Holidays
It’s a dreadful time of year, for me at least. I’d had have to say the last time the holidays were really at all enjoyable I’d have to have been 9 years old, and I’m 24 now. As my family has fallen apart and I have had to distance myself from my “loved ones”, the season has lost its charm and become a time of grief and volatility. While the Holidays are not pleasant for many people, my Schizophrenia has played a specific role in my family’s disintegration, and that adds an extra layer of bitterness.
December is not just Christmas in my family, as my mother’s birthday is December 7th (tomorrow as I write this) and my maternal grandmother’s birthday is on Christmas. My paternal grandmother passed on Christmas 2018. My mother’s birthday is an especially fraught day for my immediate family because of her lashing out from unprocessed trauma in addition to the generally unstable nature or our relationship. This year is especially difficult as my maternal grandmother is in the hospital for the second time in recent weeks and is doing very poorly. Both my mother and I are having difficult emotions over the very real idea of her passing soon. I did not speak to my grandmother for nearly eight years, and have only had minimal contact with her since reconnecting. She took care of me for five months when CPS took me away from my parents because of my mother’s Hoarding Disorder in 2010, and was very abusive. She didn’t understand a lot of my behavior and the environment was suffocating. I haven’t felt that I could share with her my Schizophrenia or what it is I do. I feel like she is going to die having never really met me, but then again most of my family never has.
My maternal grandfather died when I was 14, and had suffered from Alzheimer’s for many years prior. He was WWII hero and suffered terribly for it. My paternal grandfather was a scientist, and died before I was born. My paternal grandmother, and the rest of my paternal line, are/were estranged from me. The estrangement goes back to my time in foster care, and my aunts believing false reports about my behavior from my grandmother. There’s more to it than that, but once again I felt rejected, betrayed, and as though I could not show my full self. So I do not talk to them anymore. Some family members have expressed a desire to reconnect, but I am not ready. After past behavior and events, I do not feel like I am really safe to show up as myself around them, and it just doesn’t seem worth the effort to be let down again.
As someone whose estrangements are based on my Schizophrenia, it gives it a special sting. I can’t be with the people I’m related to because they can’t or won’t understand who I am at the most basic level. If I do spend time with them, I’m sitting curled over minding everything I say. The Holidays can be very triggering in that they heighten the awareness of the estrangement, and that reminder brings back memories from when I was younger and getting rejected all the time. It’s frustrating, it can make it harder to push through and do the work I want to do, because it all seems pointless; if I can’t even get my own family to like, how I am I supposed to help anybody else? I realize that’s not logical, but I’m still hurting.
This time of year can bring on many conflicting emotions.”I don’t care about them at all. I just want a mom the really loves me! I’m heartless. I just want a normal family. I want a happy Christmas! I don’t want to celebrate Christmas!” Over the years, and through therapy, I’ve learned to ride the wave and not get swept away. Family issues can be a huge Psychosis trigger, and getting caught up in the emotions can lead to an even bigger episode. This year, the Negative and Cognitive Symptoms are predominating my Seasonal Flare, but in years past the stress has induced Hallucinations, Delusions, or even Dissociative states. Things were a little better in Secondary School and a I had a group of friends I could hang out with over the Christmas Break—I would spend as many days of break over at friends’ houses as I could, and would often spend the entirety of New Year’s Eve out and about. Things have gotten more difficult as an adult, as my nearest friends live two hours away now. I am spending this Christmas away with a fellow Psychosis Advocate, so hopefully this year will be better.
For those of us with Schizophrenia or another Psychotic condition, acceptance is often found outside of the circles we originally found ourselves in. Many of us do have to develop Chosen Families with other Neurodivergent friends or understanding partners. I am encouraged by the number of loved ones of Psychotic people that I see commenting on my pages and reaching out to me, but by and large Psychotic people do face an enormous amount of misunderstanding and marginalization. I hope, with time, we can change that.
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