The Disorientation Of Growing Up Schizophrenic
Trigger Warning: Sexual Harassment, Child Abuse
To be Schizophrenic is to be inherently nonconformist. Schizophrenia is a neurodevelopmental disorder, and no area of the brain appears to be untouched by the condition, even the neuroendocrine system (Yates, 2016). Every aspect of how we think and operate in the world is somehow painted by our Schizophrenia. Since Schizophrenia is neurodevelopmental, parts of it are with us from early on. While most people do not develop full symptoms until late adolescence or young adulthood, myself and many people I have met in my work experienced Psychotic symptoms from early childhood. Some level of Schizotypy is normal in a child that will become Schizophrenic (Walter et al, 2016; Quidé et al, 2018). These early Psychotic/Schizotypal traits, which can be triggered by numerous causes, including genetics, begin a cycle of increasing difference from other people. I’ve talked before on my pages about the Social Defeat Hypothesis of Schizophrenia, which states in part that a person predisposed to Schizophrenia exhibits Schizotypal traits, which causes them to be rejected, which worsens their Psychotic symptoms, creating a cycle (Selten et al, 2013).
So, that’s well and good in a theoretical framework, but what does it mean in practicality? What is the reality of a Schizotypal or early-onset Psychotic child? For me, it was a tumultuous existence, chaotic and lonely and isolating to the point of existential desperation. I knew I was different, that I did not interact with the world the way others did from a very young age, but it would not be until my teens that I would begin to put a name to why. My earliest memories contain Psychotic elements, primarily Hallucinations or elements of Disorganized behavior. Early in my life, I had experiences that others did not seem to share, for which I could not get sensible answer. No reasonable answer to what the Voices were, to what the colors and shapes in the air were, to how certain events seemed to happen. These incongruities with shared reality began to shift me into a world of my own, and as they became more common my behavior began to shift more and more bizarre.
In elementary and middle school I was socially undesired, my mind was often elsewhere, my interests seemed bizarre to the other students, and I didn’t understand the social “rules” as they did. I met my first best friend when I was 13, and did not develop a steady circle of friends until high school. I grew up in wealthy, predominately white suburb of Washington, D.C. and attended a small school that was also predominately white and wealthy. Conformity was highly valued in this environment, and I did not conform. One area I particularly failed at was being a girl. Being in the border year between the Millennial and Get-Z generations, the homemaker ideal was not pushed on us—college was universally pushed on us—but there was very strict, unspoken behaviors and traits expected of young girls, and I didn’t fit. I didn't do my make-up correctly, I didn’t dress correctly, I didn’t speak correctly, I didn’t have the right interests, even my body language wasn’t correct. I was punished by being both sexually harassed and harassed for not being desirable. It was such that I went through a period of several years questioning my gender identity and weighing the concept of being non-binary.
The conformist behavior was not limited to gender. Conformity of thought was highly valued at my school. There was little questioning of authority, and anyone with new ideas was looked upon with suspicion. Most kids parroted the exact same beliefs as each other, appearing to have opinion different from the crowd could be a big social liability. Challenging anything status quo was looked down upon, even to the point that people were often afraid to ask questions. There were several real problems at my school while I was there involving racial discrimination, but people would only talk about them in whispers. I was made fun of for asking questions and forming hypotheses surrounding material from science classes even! This environment is stifling for anyone, but for a Schizophrenic person whose mind naturally thinks in loose associations being judged for daring to think was mind-numbing, and caused me to withdraw further inside myself, into internal worlds and maladaptive daydreaming.
I developed a psychogenic stutter in high school, as a reaction to the hypercriticism I experienced while in foster care in 9th grade. My mother has Hoarding Disorder, and I spent 11 months in foster care from ages 14-15. During that time, lived with my grandmother for 5 months and spent 6 months in foster care proper. While I was in foster care, my behavior was analyzed under a microscope and criticized in 100x detail. It seemed like every thing I did, some adult, usually one I didn’t know, had a comment on it. I understand I was unusual, behaviors like my pacing (from Akathisia) confused them, but the constant questioning and checking my things induced surveillance Paranoia/Delusions and gave me several breakdowns. One foster mother was so hypercritical and restrictive that the social workers moved me out of her house on an emergency basis and “red flagged” her family in their system.
I became more Psychotic as high school ended and my friends, the more open-minded people at the school, graduated or moved, and I lost people to talk to. I would go days without talking and bring stuffed toys to school that I would “speak to” telepathically. The environment had punished me for every aspect of who I was, and I was just trying to survive it to the end. The environment I grew up in taught me that my Psychosis symptoms were something that needed to be hidden: after all, if my behavioral symptoms received such backlash, how would people react to me telling them about the actual Hallucinations? A world that is safe for Psychotic people begins with a world that is tolerant of difference and “weird” people in general. An over-emphasis on conformity and stigmatization of unusual traits can be dangerous Neurodivergent people. It doesn't matter if you someone is Neurodivergent for sure or not: making fun of someone because they’re being “odd” or “cringe” is still harmful for us. Acceptance goes beyond knowing our labels.
I look forward to your comments on Instagram! @PsychosisPsositivity
Citations:
Quidé, Y., Cohen-Woods, S., O'Reilly, N., Carr, V. J., Elzinga, B. M., & Green, M. J. (2018). Schizotypal personality traits and social cognition are associated with childhood trauma exposure. The British journal of clinical psychology, 57(4), 397–419. https://doi.org/10.1111/bjc.12187
Selten, J. P., van der Ven, E., Rutten, B. P., & Cantor-Graae, E. (2013). The social defeat hypothesis of schizophrenia: an update. Schizophrenia bulletin, 39(6), 1180–1186. https://doi.org/10.1093/schbul/sbt134
Walter, E. E., Fernandez, F., Snelling, M., & Barkus, E. (2016). Genetic Consideration of Schizotypal Traits: A Review. Frontiers in psychology, 7, 1769. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2016.01769
Yates N. J. (2016). Schizophrenia: the role of sleep and circadian rhythms in regulating dopamine and psychosis. Reviews in the neurosciences, 27(7), 669–687. https://doi.org/10.1515/revneuro-2016-0030
