Pride Month Confessions

Pride Month always brings up difficult feelings for me. It is not a time that I find Happy or particularly Validating, and as a Content Creator I feel put in a difficult position during this time. But why? Why do I find this an uncomfortable and challenging time, when for others it feels Easy? I decided to take a couple of days to force myself face these demons, at least in part, and here is my reflection…

I have, at various points in my life, identified as: Asexual, Biromantic Asexual, Homoromanitc Asexual, Lesbian, Bisexual, Demigender, Genderfluid, Bi-Gender, Non-Binar , Cisgender Woman, & Queer. My sexuality, as I currently understand it, tends to be fluid with Sapphic leanings, and I identify as a Cis Woman really because it was the path of least resistance. I don’t feel like a Woman but I do not exactly feel like anything else. I have written about my experiences of Gender and Schizophrenia on the @PsychosisPsositivity Instagram as well as in other essays. Both my experience of Gender and of Sexuality are fluid experiences, differing at various points in my life and with Schizophrenic Symptoms. I associate Masculine Gender leanings with stronger Schizophrenic experiences. My one theory I have for this is that Femininity requires volition, energy, and attention to detail that I do not have in heavier Symptom states.

I first understood myself as Sapphic when I was 10 years old, when I developed a crush on a girl in one of my classes. I instantly recognized what was going on as a form of superficial attraction, and instantly suppressed it. I was bullied heavily in early Secondary School for being “Gay”—apparently they knew something I wasn’t willing to admit—and the thought of anyone realizing that it was true terrified me! I also came from an Evangelical background where Homosexuality was considered sinful and wanted to repress my feelings to please God. At age 13, I would meet my first Best Friend, the Love of My Life, my Platonic Soul Mate, to whom I would not confess my feelings for another 9 years. I would not begin to come out of the closet until Senior Year of High School. The fear of harassment might have been overblown once we got into later Secondary School, by then it was the 2010s and LGBTQ issues were much better understood and many people were Allies. However, the fear remained with me and I hid behind a mask of Conservatism. I had a fear of being Known a fear of being Seen. I both resented and envied people who could be out during Secondary School, who didn’t have Traumatic & Delusional walls keeping them from sharing this part of themselves. I desperately wanted to connect with others on this issue, but couldn’t bring myself to share.

I tried joining LGBTQ+ spaces in College, but never found them to be particularly Accessible, knowledgable, or really caring, about Disability issues. Eventually I stopped attending. While the church group I attended during my first enrollment at University was LGBTQ-Affirming (an Episcopalian group), I had strong challenges from my family to reject the “Lifestyle”. I would eventually leave the Episcopal group and join the Korean-American campus ministry, which leaned more Conservative but was still very welcoming. I no longer participate in an organized form of Christianity and considere myself a Christian Mystic. I have a strong relationship with God and have no doubts about my standing with Him. However, I do still find myself tripping over the Sapphic piece of me. It is not something I can ignore or render void. It has shaped many of key relationships and affects how I see the world. While I am not currently pursuing a romantic relationship, I do have preference for Women over Men. I think that part of me resents this Month because I can’t decide whether I want to embrace what the Liberal Christians say or stay within the confines in which I was raised. There’s a Paranoid edge to it, a Delusional angst that if I pursue Women again I will be Punished. That my previous relationship failing was a Sign & Punishment from God. I dislike Pride Month because usually I can avoid these questions and these Delusions, but when the world lights up rainbow it feels these questions are all thrown in my face.

For me, Pride is a reminder of the Confusion, Isolation, Trauma, Paranoia, Uncertainty that has surrounded my journey of Sexuality and Gender. It’s never been easy for me to be Out, Loud, & Proud. There is much more I could write on the issue, and very well might. It’s okay if your journey with Sexuality and/or Gender has been messy! These are complex concepts and we are complex beings. You don’t have to fit into a mold.

I Look Forward To Reading Your Comments On The Instagram Post For This Essay! @PsychosisPsositivity