Hospitalization Reflections: Inpatient Psychiatry Can Do Better
10,000 Miles To Lose You: Or, Rejection & Schizophrenia
A Guide To Travel With Schizophrenia/Psychosis
Traveling, especially International Travel, is something that many people think is out of reach for individuals with Schizophrenia/Psychosis. Since December 2021, I have traveled to New York City, Iceland (twice), Norway, the United Kingdom, and Australia.
Further Discussions On Embodiment In Schizophrenia
I have previously discussed in my writings the altered sense of embodiment that I experience because of my Schizophrenia, both here and on my podcast. Because of my Schizophrenia, how I orient myself in my body and experience my Body-As-Self is altered. Simultaneously, my consciousness feels very compartmentalized and I also feel boundary-less. I feel as though my Self reaches and touches everything and that I can feel and be a part of other objects. Nothing is Solid nothing is Certain.
October Ghosts
Trigger Warning: Suicide, Eating Disorder, Unreality, Bullying Discussion
The wind blows gently, causing yellow leaves to dance and swirl as they drop from maple trees. The blistering heat and oppressive humidity of the summer season have left and autumn has finally reached the mid-Atlantic. When I was a child, fall felt like new beginnings, more New Year than New Year’s Day. There was always a strong Hope in me that this would be the school year that I would find my Forever Friends, that I would be accepted, that the torment would stop—and each year my hopes were vanquished. Halloween was a high point for my young Schizotypal self, I loved imaginary play deeply, engaging in it longer than many of peers, and Halloween was a vivd, immersive experience for me.
On Family Estrangement: A Personal Dilemma
It’s very common for Schizophrenic & Psychotic people to struggle with their families—there’s even a clinical term for the negative attitude loved ones of Psychotic people often show, “Expressed Emotion”. Expressed Emotion is associated with poorer patient outcomes, and treatment for Schizophrenia/Psychosis often focuses on reducing it (de Mamani et al, 2021). Many Psychotic people also have Trauma histories that date back to childhood (Davis et al, 2016). From my personal experience having worked with this Community for several years now, Familial Estrangement of some form honestly seems more common than the opposite.
Spirituality & Schizophrenia: Where Lines Blur & The Fabric Breaks
Trigger Warning: Heavy Discussion Of Religion & Spirituality, Discussion of Suicidal Ideation
I have Schizophrenia, and as I have discussed extensively here & on my other platforms, my life has filled with extraordinary as well as extreme experiences beyond normal reality. Throughout my life, going back to early childhood—just as my Schizophrenia does—are experiences of the Transcendental & the Sublime, experiences that straddle the line between Unreality & Beyond Reality
Pride Month Confessions
Pride Month always brings up difficult feelings for me. It is not a time that I find Happy or particularly Validating, and as a Content Creator I feel put in a difficult position during this time. But why? Why do I find this an uncomfortable and challenging time, when for others it feels Easy? I decided to take a couple of days to force myself face these demons, at least in part, and here is my reflection…
I have, at various points in my life, identified as: Asexual, Biromantic Asexual, Homoromanitc Asexual, Lesbian, Bisexual, Demigender, Genderfluid, Bi-Gender, Non-Binar , Cisgender Woman, & Queer. My sexuality, as I currently understand it, tends to be fluid…
How Do You Celebrate A Birthday You Never Thought You’d Live To See?
Trigger Warning: Suicidal Ideation, Disordered Eating, Body Shaming, Self-Harm Mention
My birthday is this month, and it doesn’t feel real. I am turning 25; the number feels unnatural, an awkward-shaped candy rolling around in my mouth I keep feeling the urge to spit out. How do you accept the reality of an adulthood you never thought you’d see because of chronic childhood Trauma and early Suicidal Ideation? This is a concept I have wrestled with for several years, and every year brings up different emotions and perspectives. Perhaps this year it feels more pronounced because of the milestones of the past year: I have graduated with my Bachelor’s, I am restarting Graduate School in the Fall, and I have established my online presence. I have built the foundations for my adult life working for and with the Psychosis Community—a future I didn’t think I would have. As I have built and continue to build this future, I draw upon the many difficult experiences of younger years and work to heal the wounds of Child and Adolescent Self. Those iterations of my Self feel at the same time both intimately familiar and deeply alien; I know her and I don’t. Who was I, and who am I now?
Having An Eating Disorder Within The Context Of Schizophrenia & DID
Trigger Warning: Discussion of Eating Disorder, Child Abuse, Bullying, Delusional Thinking, and Self Harm
This week marks National Eating Disorder Awareness Week for 2022. Eating Disorders have been found to be more common among Schizophrenia Spectrum patients, with an association between Binge Eating and Antipsychotic usage (Sankaranarayanan et al, 2021). I personally struggled with various forms of Disordered Eating (DE) and acute phases of Eating Disorders (ED) for about 10 years, from the ages of 11-21. My experiences were related to my Schizophrenia, as well as the Dissociative Identity Disorder I experienced at the time.
When The Glass Shatters: What Happens When The Delusion Breaks
TW: Substance Use, Abuse/Bullying, Surveillance, Religious Delusions, Suicidal Ideation, Skin Picking Mention
The drop felt like release from an oxygen high. I felt Dissociated, dizzy, staring at my phone in a daze. For over 10 years I’d had this Delusion, and in one minute it had been definitively proven false.
Atypical Antipsychotics & Weight Gain: My Experience
Trigger Warning: Discussion of Weight, Eating Disorders, Suicidal/Self-Harm Ideation, and Abuse
“Whose body even is this?” I remember the horror dripping through me as I looked at the angry purple stretch marks lining my protruding stomach. My mother had referred to my arms as “ham-hocks” and I could no longer get comfortable easily from the way my skin folded.
I had gained weight— lot of it, and very quickly