Further Discussions On Embodiment In Schizophrenia

Trigger Warning: Eating Disorder Discussion

I have previously discussed in my writings the altered sense of embodiment that I experience because of my Schizophrenia, both here and on my podcast. Because of my Schizophrenia, how I orient myself in my body and experience my Body-As-Self is altered. Simultaneously, my consciousness feels very compartmentalized and I also feel boundary-less. I feel as though my Self reaches and touches everything and that I can feel and be a part of other objects. Nothing is Solid nothing is Certain.

This lack of internal stability has lead to some very strange experiences in my life, particular during the age range of about 12-15. This was a very tumultuous and Traumatic time in my life, where my Schizophrenia increased in severity and I also experienced extreme Disordered Eating. In fact, my Disordered Eating played a large role in my altered sense of Disembodiment during this era. From around the ages of 11-13 I exhibited Anorexic behavior with purging tendencies, as well as Pica behavior for the entire 12-15 age range. Both conditions fed in cyclically with my Schizophrenia; for example, I often chewed on things like erasers and pens during class because it helped calm the Voices in my head so I could focus on my school work. However, the Pica did become dangerous at times when I had things like pens and glow sticks burst in my mouth. When I would chew on things like erasers, I would often Dissociate and feel a sense of non-Self. Eating things that were not food made me feel like a non-person, and allowed an escape from the extreme emotional and physical pain I was in.

My Anorexia had even more extreme effects on my sense of embodiment, feeding into my Schizophrenia like oxygen to a flame. I did not have any real sense of proprioception or interception. My sense of where my body ended or what it was doing was not really there, and it is something I have only really gained through Trauma treatment. I did not have a scale, so I measured my weight loss by body-checking myself in the mirror. This was a horrifying experience, but I was addicted to it. Why horrifying? That sounds a little extreme… You may ask, well, it was horrifying because my body would change size and shape before my very eyes. I would Hallucinate myself go from vastly different weights and body shapes, and not be able to tell why. I would see bones stick out one minute and see rolls of fat the next, but be confused because I could still feel the damn bones. Every time I looked in the mirror, there was a different Rose. I kept demanding my mother take me clothes shopping, because none of my clothes seemed to fit. They were always too big or too small—usually too big. Even skin-tight clothes, if the they wrinkled a bit my mind would warp the perception. I was constantly hiking up my pants and tugging and my clothes because they never felt like they fit right. Too tight, too loose, over stretched, too see-through, too short…. It was like living in a fun house mirror set up. It was maddening. I felt insane.

The fun-house mirror terrors had settled down by the time I was 14. At this point, I was in Foster Care because of my mother’s Hoarding Disorder. I experienced two simultaneous embodiment Hallucination/Delusions at this point, both centered around my eyes. To understand the first one you need to know that I have central heterochromia. The inside ring of my eyes is a golden brown, then there is a green ring, followed by a solid blue outer ring. The appearance of my eye color can change really drastically with what clothes I am wearing because I three different dominant colors in my eye, and the color my eyes appear can also be affected by how dilated my pupils are, as dilation tends to erase the brown circle a bit. When I was 14, I developed the Delusion that my eyes were becoming blue. Just regular blue. Technically this could be possible, but the Delusion quickly became that my eyes were changing colors every couple of days. No one else was seeing these eye colors. At the same time, I became convinced that the white of my eyes were also turning blue. I became a bit obsessed with both of these Delusion/Hallucinations, and would spend quite a bit of time staring in the mirror examining my eyes. To be honest, I am not sure what was the driving force behind this particular Psychosis. It might have been from a desire to feel special or cool, or from a desire to exert control over my own body; it did make me feel kind of cool and bit more in control of myself in a bizarre way. On the other hand, my Schizophrenia was just getting more intense in general at the time and brains do strange things sometimes.

I have lived a fantastical life because of my Schizophrenia. While I have experienced my terrible, horrific things, but I have also experienced many extraordinary things that usually only occur in fiction—and sometimes the horrific and the extraordinary are the same. In addition to affecting my daily experience of my body and the world, my Schizophrenia has created discreet altered experiences of embodiment. I have also experienced remarkable Spiritual and Barrier experiences that blur the line between this World & my physical body and Another world Beyond. Would my life have been easier had I not been born a Schizophrenic? Yes. But It would have been a vasty different life, and life that I would not recognize, and I am happy to be who & what I am.

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